balance

I'm a workaholic. I admit it, but I don' know how to fix it. I think it comes from working in a place where everyone is so good at their job. I feel like the only chance I have of even pretending to keep up is to just keep on working. Now that is been close to 3 years and expectations have already been set, I don't know how to stop. Supposedly admitting you have a problem is the first step. So, yes I have a problem and I'm ready to try and figure out how to balance work and other stuff. Here goes...

hiccups

Sometimes, my consciousness has little hiccups where, just for a moment, I realize that this really is my life. The rest of the time, it seems as if my life isn't real and that things are going to go back to the way they used to be. It feels like I'm just hanging out and making the best of it until they do. But really, I guess this is it. I wonder if I'll actually come around to the fact that what's happening now is the real part.

when?

I really want to go for a run right now. I can't. *sigh* I'm running out of all kinds of patience.

boiling

I haven't been this upset for a really long time and at this moment there's really nothing rational I can do about it.  I don't often get this upset - maybe once a year.  When I get a bright red face, a baseball sized lump in my throat and shaky hands, I don't really know what to do with it except go for a run.  It clears my head and gets rid of that immediate emotion that seems to be boiling over.  No can do this time.  I haven't really been able to run since October.  I'm getting kind of tired of it.  For the first few weeks it was great - after a 26.2 mile run, the last thing I wanted to do was more running.  But the weeks have now turned into months and I've made no progress towards recovery.  For the most part I've been trying to substitute biking and some other gym activities, but its moments like these where I miss running the most.  Its got a mind clearing power that I don't know how to get from anything else.  Since I've already done a full workout and been to the climbing gym today, I know if I went out for a few miles I'd just come home and crash. By the time I'd woken up tomorrow I'd have cooled off.  Instead, I'll sit here with my lower leg in bucket of ice water while trying to distract myself with bad tv, hoping that eventually my mind will stop racing and I can fall asleep.

6 weeks to go.

I actually enjoyed running today and I need to write it down so I remember it. Lately, following a schedule has definitely turned a good portion of these runs into a chore, but today was actually enjoyable. My foot and knee only hurt a little and I didn't destroy anymore toenails - it doesn't get much better than that these days. These high expectations just need to take me through the next 6 weeks. Mostly I'm just stressed out about the next 20 coming up this weekend.

wubby's back

Well, its been a long time, but Wubby's back in my life. He resurfaced in the office late this week and I'm sure glad he did. As I was walking out to the trail to start what was supposed to be a 20 mile run, I realized I was getting a migraine. That quickly put an end to those running plans. I was pretty mad since I'd been planning (more like stressing over) this all week and was really looking forward to giving it a shot. Luckily, when I returned to the office to settle in for a couple of hours, (migraines mess up my vision and the drugs I have make me sleepy which means I can't drive) Wubby was there waiting for me. He welcomed me with open arms and is currently keeping me company. Hopefully he'll speed up the migraine recovery process enough that I can give this run another shot tomorrow. Otherwise, I'm afraid this may ruin my training.

homesickness

I feel like a little kid at sleepover camp for saying this but... I want to go home.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that by visiting home, problems will just melt away. I wish I could still believe that. For some reason, maybe because I'm older and things have gotten more complex, or maybe because I'm more cynical now, or maybe its because I ran away from a lot of things there by moving here, but its just not true anymore.

I want it to be true though. I think about going to visit home and I first think, "yeah, do it! it'll be tons of fun, everyone there will be happy to see you. go for it." but then I realize that this is probably not the case. Not everyone is going to be excited to see me, and its not going to be perfect. They all have their own things to do and problems to deal with, and really I just end up taking time away from the stuff they wanted to do. I don't live there anymore, I'm not a part of their daily lives, so in some ways I don't really exist.

Yet, despite all that, at least 1/2 my brain keeps trying to convince me that if I do go home, everything will be okay. I want to believe it, but I'm also afraid of going and being disappointed because then I'll know for sure that I just don't have a place to go when I want to escape.