6 weeks to go.

I actually enjoyed running today and I need to write it down so I remember it. Lately, following a schedule has definitely turned a good portion of these runs into a chore, but today was actually enjoyable. My foot and knee only hurt a little and I didn't destroy anymore toenails - it doesn't get much better than that these days. These high expectations just need to take me through the next 6 weeks. Mostly I'm just stressed out about the next 20 coming up this weekend.

wubby's back

Well, its been a long time, but Wubby's back in my life. He resurfaced in the office late this week and I'm sure glad he did. As I was walking out to the trail to start what was supposed to be a 20 mile run, I realized I was getting a migraine. That quickly put an end to those running plans. I was pretty mad since I'd been planning (more like stressing over) this all week and was really looking forward to giving it a shot. Luckily, when I returned to the office to settle in for a couple of hours, (migraines mess up my vision and the drugs I have make me sleepy which means I can't drive) Wubby was there waiting for me. He welcomed me with open arms and is currently keeping me company. Hopefully he'll speed up the migraine recovery process enough that I can give this run another shot tomorrow. Otherwise, I'm afraid this may ruin my training.

homesickness

I feel like a little kid at sleepover camp for saying this but... I want to go home.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that by visiting home, problems will just melt away. I wish I could still believe that. For some reason, maybe because I'm older and things have gotten more complex, or maybe because I'm more cynical now, or maybe its because I ran away from a lot of things there by moving here, but its just not true anymore.

I want it to be true though. I think about going to visit home and I first think, "yeah, do it! it'll be tons of fun, everyone there will be happy to see you. go for it." but then I realize that this is probably not the case. Not everyone is going to be excited to see me, and its not going to be perfect. They all have their own things to do and problems to deal with, and really I just end up taking time away from the stuff they wanted to do. I don't live there anymore, I'm not a part of their daily lives, so in some ways I don't really exist.

Yet, despite all that, at least 1/2 my brain keeps trying to convince me that if I do go home, everything will be okay. I want to believe it, but I'm also afraid of going and being disappointed because then I'll know for sure that I just don't have a place to go when I want to escape.