homesickness

I feel like a little kid at sleepover camp for saying this but... I want to go home.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that by visiting home, problems will just melt away. I wish I could still believe that. For some reason, maybe because I'm older and things have gotten more complex, or maybe because I'm more cynical now, or maybe its because I ran away from a lot of things there by moving here, but its just not true anymore.

I want it to be true though. I think about going to visit home and I first think, "yeah, do it! it'll be tons of fun, everyone there will be happy to see you. go for it." but then I realize that this is probably not the case. Not everyone is going to be excited to see me, and its not going to be perfect. They all have their own things to do and problems to deal with, and really I just end up taking time away from the stuff they wanted to do. I don't live there anymore, I'm not a part of their daily lives, so in some ways I don't really exist.

Yet, despite all that, at least 1/2 my brain keeps trying to convince me that if I do go home, everything will be okay. I want to believe it, but I'm also afraid of going and being disappointed because then I'll know for sure that I just don't have a place to go when I want to escape.